It's been more than a few months since the last post. I have a whole litany of excuses, too, some of them legitimate.
- Adjusting to a new environs
- Brain fog
- And, my very latest one, used to procrastinate today: my laptop needed charging.
I have been angry, and tired from being angry. My jaw tensed up the last week of September, because that's where the anger settled. I decided to do the best thing I knew to offset the anger: immerse myself in theology books. I took it a step further, and realized that it was possible for me to go back to school without going to school. That lit me up inside. Take a class without the grades? Heck, yes. I don't fight except with my brain, so the best thing to do is strengthen whatever intellect I possess. The high I got from connecting those dots lasted a little while, until I got a seasonal illness that threw me off my routine.
I think I may have found a church. It is really difficult to find an Episcopal church that prays the prayer of confession, so I knew I had found a contender when the church I was visiting had included one in their liturgy. I need to confess that I am a finite, selfish creature before I receive the crackers and the wine, or I don't feel whole.
In my quest for classroom learning, I visited a seminary last week. After introducing myself to the class, the professor asked me if I had ever thought about ordination in the Episcopal church. Funny you should ask, I thought. I bet she also laughed on the inside when I said I didn't know if I was ready to pursue another degree. I am going to register to audit a class at this institution, regardless.
Deconstruction has been a cool buzzword among the post-evangelical for some time, now. I wonder, however: are we really ever done deconstructing and reconstructing? I started to deconstruct once I got into seminary, and it just kept going. When I attempt to reconstruct, it seems there is something else left to deconstruct. They are reoccurring events.
When people are trying to be helpful, I hear, "Sabrina, have you ever thought about teaching?" Yes. That's one reason why I pursued library school. Teaching takes many forms, and disseminating knowledge is something I enjoy doing. I do not, however, wish to go back to school for a teaching certificate.
I've mentioned brain fog before. It had been hampering my ability to read and comprehend certain texts, so I started to take notes after reading a chapter, and that helps. Reading more is also helping. Getting back into posting here will help. Shedding my all or nothing mindset will help all of those.
I am still angry. Here is a non-exhaustive list of things I am angry about/at:
- One of my alma maters. (If you want to know more, see Twitter, or send me an email.)
- The kyriarchy, and by extension, the patriarchy
- The medical, insurance, and pharmaceutical industries
- White male privilege (I essentially listed that already, but it deserves a second mention)
- The student loan business
- That I need so much sleep. This is really counterproductive because I have too many books I want to read.
I am also grateful. Here is a non-exhaustive list of things I am grateful for:
- C, for maintaining my little website and buying any book I mention
- Access to food I can eat, and time to cook and bake said food
- My air purifier
- My little online communities
- The ability to walk
- The scenic PNW