Since I haven’t posted here in almost 1.5 years, I suppose it’s time for an update.
I spent most of 2017 struggling to own my story. I left my previous dreams and aspirations behind (first leaving my second round of graduate school, and second, leaving my job), but still held onto them at a distance, clinging to a shadow of self-worth.I struggled with naming and owning my emotions, which I learned my entire life to deny. Along the way, I realized I was still attaching any sense of self-worth to things I do, with a legalistic mindset.
I’d been sort of keeping my head above water where health was concerned, feeling crazy because most medical professionals through the years have insinuated that it’s all in my head. Through a series of doctor appointments and blood tests and other types of tests, I now have official diagnoses: SIBO and Hashimoto’s. Both elation and grief have come with those: elation at finally knowing, and grief with the revelation of the serious lifestyle adjustments I need to make that also directly impacts my partner, my family, and basically anyone else who hangs out with me. My brain has taken a bad hit in these health issues, leaving me feeling intellectually stunted. (Case in point: combined with rusty writing skills, I can’t even tell if this post makes sense. It certainly feels disjointed and wooden. Don’t worry, I’ve had someone else look it over.)
Over the past couple years, I have examined my relationship with Evangelicalism (capital E, for the establishment, not lowercase “e”, for which I might still qualify), and decided that I couldn’t, in good conscience, camp out there anymore, for multiple reasons. More recently, I have been questioning the merits of capitalism.
There were many good things that happened in 2017: visiting Puerto Rico for my abuela’s 90th, the birth of my sweet niece, starting therapy, my partner taking me on a birthday getaway to this wonderful little cabin at the foot of Mt. Rainier, and taking a more positive look at my proclivities and passions, to name a few.
2017 was not all easy, and this is the short of it. It feels largely negative so far, but it’s really not, because here’s what I have learned, and where I believe 2018 is taking me:
- I don’t even know how to put this into words without sounding like a cliche: I am slowly learning to embrace grace. My gospel-opposing mindset really hit me hard in 2017. If Jesus came to set the captives free, and I want to proclaim his love and justice, I need to recognize my own shackles first. Everything I’m listing is with this in mind.
- I am learning to name my emotions. The next step, as I see it, is to claim them, and not hide them.
- I am learning that being married to a bi man is a mercy (future post!), that we can partner on deeper level and I can claim our mixed-orientation marriage as a real part of my story.
- I am learning that gender roles don’t belong in my marriage, either, and rejecting those liberates me as well as my partner.
- I want to be bold; to declare more, instead of timidly asking.
- I want to further own my passions and proclivities. More specifically, I am committing this year to refreshing the studies that I first loved: theology and biblical languages, but with an emphasis on recognizing and minimizing oppression in my life and in others’. This is partially in anticipation of exploring ordination (future post!).
- My ongoing goal is to stomp out the kyriarchy (future post!) within my own life, and in the lives of those around me, and 2018 will be no different.